ready or not
nothing happened last year.
not nothing, everything. some things. horrible things and sad things and ridiculous things and laughing so hard grape soda could have missiled out of my nose things had I been drinking any, but I wasn’t.
the general usual gnashing of teeth and wailing of sighs and lamentations. but not too much that was Big Big Big in my tiny sphere. loss and joy and love and health and horrible illness around me. celebration, devastation. life, what.
nothing much happened close up, partially, I suppose, because the circle, the target, the number of people remaining to worry over, hold near and love hard has smallened. the radius of the bullseye has contracted.
I stumbled my way here, to you lot, in the first place at the end of 2009, after losing my father, my nicotine habit and part of my mind earlier that year.
and stayed, initially, maybe, for the pictures, for the odd this or that; michele started her 52 weeks thing and I found some of you there and then back and forth and up and down, and bref (thank you, autcorrect, not beef, but bref because more annoying than the odd scrap of French in a post is the phrase long story short)
thus - my years of living unpredictably:
2009 - father gone
2010 - temporary jobectomy and ensuing acts of unanticipated generosity.
2011 - partner gone
2012 - mother gone
you’ve known that. I’ve said that, but wouldn’t say in words, in writing, til today, that 2013 was. what. quiet. uneventful.
You all have had more than your fair share, we all have had bad things happen and some good, and grace and love and not love, ready or not.
trying to be ready without having my shoulders hunched up to my ears
trying to be ready to be not ready. to be gladdened without reason, to be better to other people, to be less of a shit, more of the change I’d like to see in the world.
more better. hmm. who’s said that? who hasn’t?
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