eventually I did get out of bed. proof is in the photo. big sun, big cold. winter is an abstraction until it isn’t.
cleaning up things on my phone to try to make more room to back things up (trying not to say, trying to clean my phone because storage because because is overused if one isn’t careful.) found a photo of my mother on the day before Christmas, almost two years ago, what turned out to be her last December, and it shattered me, that photo. my mother in a chair, holding flowers someone had just brought. or had sent. Justine once wrote about a disappointment gutting her. this was bigger, though, than disappointment. but gut me it did
had another thought about word aphasia, wondering if the words hide behind rocks. of, I imagine, varying sizes?
sarah silverman said something recently, in an interview, about not having an emergency contact. about her feelings about that particular lack. I feel those feelings too. she has a sister, I have a brother, but that’s not the same.
said nothing yesterday about gratitude. but of course have much, some days it hides behind and under rocks. dinner with jane and her daughter and related people, more visit with keith and his whole lovely house full of family and people connected. and the food. and people. and glad and grateful at having a place to be. and still gutted, anyway. but there are good people still among us, so thank you.