there might be cake

May 24

at sixes and sevens. on call to help, events about to unfold; not able to do very much concentrated work

for reasons I don’t understand but appreciate nonetheless, spotify free lets me play entire whatevers at work. found this, a (then) cassette that himself and I had played to bits, played the shit and magnetic out of the tape.

in that space. tearful. bittersweet. just listened to David Forster Wallace’s commencement speech (this is water); Pete Hocking had posted it some time ago.

not deliberately putting myself into before, then, those days times. in this day. here. sad. still. listening. thinking.

if you have the space to listen, DFW’s talk is important. even if you don’t have the space. it’s breathtaking. you need to stop breathing for just that second. to be still. to be open.

who am I to say what you need? I need it.

(Source: spotify)

[video]

that one smile, auditory version

sometimes someone calls late at night. someone doesn’t always pay attention to time zones. I changed someone’s ringtone so it would be less abrasive than the vintage ring ring old phone ring (watch iphone havers in a market whip around when that ring rings - like fifty-three women hearing “mommy!” in the cereal aisle).

so. the crickets. that’s my someone’s tone. someone else, a colleague down the hall, uses it as well apparently. the tone itself made me think of pavlov, the bell and one smile. because her crickets just rang down the hall and I immediately looked at my silent phone.

because crickets in my ear.

five

that thing about my colleague and her fear of speaking? changed my mind. Amy helped. you’re welcome.

commencement weekend in zero dark shortly. shenanigans and feelings to ensue.

grateful to Rachel for making time for a visit, for our other friend and friends who got to meet her. noticing that it’s a good thing when people can connect to one another, in one way or another. almost always to the good, no?

thinking about Boston, Moore, places and other places and holding that outrage and grief in my hands while also wondering how to go forward, how not to. like holding a handful of water maybe. somehow.

feelings. having, noticing. because feelings.